…With the sound of muuuusiiicc. Aww, doesn’t that film just make you feel ooey gooey good on the inside?!! Julie Andrews, Do Re Mi, clothes made out of curtains. One of the best movies of all time.
Now — since we’re on the topic — I’m just putting it out there….but ya know the song “I am 16, going on 17”? Huge hit, right? I mean, every teenage girl could relate to that song: teenage romance, first kiss, innocence, an older man who’s 17 going on 18. Except one little, itty, bitty, problem. My version was: “I am 16, going on 83.” (and if you could please be in your 90’s Mr. Soldier Boy, that would be bonus points).
Yeah, I’m a senior freak. This is nothing new. We’ve established this with my blog reveals. But, what might be new and fresh for you all is my epic music skills. Just watch my latest jam sesh:
Oh, you want more you say?! Encore?! Sorry, you’ll have to buy tickets to my next concert. And yes, that’s a shower cap. All granny wannabes wear them whilst playing instruments. You’d have to be one to understand.
Ok. Enough of that hubbub! I clearly stink at the harmonica (although in my defense that was the first day I tried it). I did, however, used to be pretty good at the flute and piano. Key words: “used to.” It’s too bad though because had I kept up with them I could be a virtuoso by now. And when I hit 80, I could have been the talk of the town. Like this dude:
Woof, someone grab me a fan and fainting couch. This silver-haired Santana is making me SWOON.
Knock knock. [Who’s there?]. Arthritis. [Arthritis who?] Arthri t’isn’t an issue for deez fingers!!!
Mmmmmhhhmm das right: Did ya’ll know.that musical talent does not decline with age — It RE-FINES. Oh yeah, this is fine wine material here. It’s simple logic- the more you do something, the better you get at it. I mean duh, right? Well, I don’t think it’s a duh thing actually. I don’t think we expect to see a Mr. Gray gone Gary Clark Jr. Quite the contrary; we are mouths-gaping WOWED by it. Most of us react this way to talented musicians of all ages, but when it’s a senior we go ape *shhhhh. We think “He’s so old, but look how he can still play!” I mean, hello, I’m one of them because I internet fainted when I saw this dude.
BUT, as we see with Mr. Gray in this video, talents ripen with time. If continued into old age, these talents enrich the lives of the elderly AND ours simultaneously. Mr. Gray might appear a bit pruney, but he is no wilting grape! And to speak strictly musically, it’s a darn good thing emotionally and physically. It’s a mood booster, provides hand exercise and brain stimulation, preserves memory, you name it.
Seniors with dementia often cannot remember names, places, or other words, but can remember every word to a song when they sing. Check out this video (*warning* get your happy tissues out!):
SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! This gets me deep in my soul. I feel that everything that is positive and hopeful about humanity is present in this video. I could write more here about my thoughts on this, but I mean, I already posted one embarrassing video in this entry, let’s go for 2:
Ok, sorry bout the waterworks, but MAN these videos bring us full circle: Look at what Mr. Gray can do for music and what music can do for Mr. Gray. So let’s all be rockstars.
As far as vaca goes, my husband Abe and I are total opposites. He loves to sit in his beach chair for hours and do nothing; all he needs are his headphones and a good book. Actually, he just needs his headphones. Actually, just air.
IIIIIIIII, on the other hand, am refreshingly more complex *hair flip* and require far more to keep me entertained. Therefore, this is how our communication goes at the beach — I mouth something to him pretending he can hear what I’m saying through his headphones, until he begrudgingly yanks out just one earpiece, and I hit him with:
To which he always responds: “I’m relaxing.” (No duh, buddy, you’re pruning).
So I step it up. *Eye batting* *Puppy-dog face* Please Please Pleeeeease do something with me baby honey sugarplum boobobooboobear!
“Not right now. I’m relaxing.”
Auggggh you are WORTHLESS TO ME HUSBAND! I married you to have a playmate! I am done with you! (Ok, not really, but that’s how I feel for 5 seconds).
I then pathetically resign myself to wandering the shore looking for a crab to talk to. But I mean, who wants to sit in a chair and just roast like a chicken?? I can scan a magazine for 30 minutes MAX but then I wanna liiiiive as in swim, play bocce ball, boogie board, build a sand castle, look for shells, build Noah’s Ark in the sand, whatever— ANYTHING but doing nothing.
Look, I can’t help it really. I’m an active vacationer. I’m an active person. I love yoga, pilates, hiking, biking, volleyball, and most recently off-roading (bonus: Abe hates getting wet and it just so happens I love driving through puddles. Paybacks baby ;o))
Now, I don’t want all those zippy activities to give you the wrong idea here— good ‘ole board games are life. My happy place. My zen. But alas, I run into the same sticky issue with my beach bum hubby – he happens to also hate board games and so I never. have. anyone. to. play. with!!!!!
Despite my frustration, I’m not trying to change my husband to enjoy these things. That would be preposterous!
I simply want to agehim. NBD right? ;oD
….because ya know darn well Mr. Gray would take me up on that game of scrabble! HE wouldn’t leave me hanging because he loves his board games and crossword puzzles and other highly underrated sophisticated activities. Exhibit A:
That hands-behind-the-back-pose is everything.
I caught these folks in puzzle action at a resort this past weekend. (Luckily, I’ve honed my senior stalking skills to where I seem to be casually taking shots of the room. As if I’d be looking at anything else hahahahaha. *Cuz you know it’s all about that Gray, bout that Gray*) But seriously, I did leave my fancy birthday dinner to capture these snazzy seniors. Priorities.
So, we all know Mr. Gray fancies puzzles and board games and all that jazz….and that’s good stuff because those things are awesome and keep him tres sharp. BUT, why is it almost unnatural for us to picture him doing other activities– you know, as in the ACTIVE ACTIVITES?!
Well, the stereotype that exists is that Mr. Gray lacks the physical ability and/or is just not interested in being active. Unfortunately, this fixed way of thinking not only stifles our view of seniors, but I argue it also limits the access they have to doing these sorts of activities (i.e. “let’s not offer that it’s too hard for them” or “they will have a heart attack”, etc. etc.). This limits seniors and frankly, it’s demeaning. Nobody likes to be put in a box, so let’s not do that with Mr. Gray either, mmk?
There are SO many examples out there of seniors not only doing what younger adults can do, but doing MORE than what the average adult can do.
Here’s just one example. Prepare to be amazed:
As she talks about in this 2010 video, Barb Macklow finished her 1st 100 mile race at age 74. And then, in 2017, she completed her 2nd 100 mile race at age 82.
Barb with her 100 mile buckle.
Let’s take that in for moment.
ONE HUNDRED FRIGGIN MILES. I just, I just can’t even fathom this– from anyone at any age. My hubby just ran his 1st marathon (26.2 miles) in October at age 38 and I was in awe of him and the rest of the runners crossing the finish line. Super impressive stuff. Theeeen, you have this ultramarathoner who is 82 years old and ran 4x that length!!!! She ran for 2 days people. 2 DAYYYYS. I can’t even run for 20 minutes. The physical stamina. The mental fortitude. Get this woman a bigger buckle!
Now, back to my earlier point that we stereotype elderly folks as inactive…….
If you noticed in the video, Barb mentioned “the general population thinks you’re not quite right.” She’s spot on but what is that crap?? Why do we assume that Mr. Gray can’t DO challenging activities and is nuts if he/she does? While it’s true that some senior folks can’t, some CAN. And isn’t that the same with all people, of all ages? Some can do certain things, some can’t. So let’s rewire our thinking here, shall we?
Mr. Gray can run. He can jump. He can skip. He can do it all. He’s Mr. Gray.
My husband gets me flowers alllll. the. friggin. time. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but he definitely puts the “man” in romance. Now, before you all beat me with miniature violins while screaming:
let me clarify that I am not bragging, simply SHARING. Sharing is caring okay?!?! And truth be told, it took me a while to develop a full appreciation for the showering of sweetness. I LOVE it now and am so grateful to have such a doting husband…. but, when we were first dating, sadly, my response was more like:
I’m not a scrooge, it’s just that he went a weee bit overboard and did so many sweet things I wasn’t used to…. For instance, ev-er-y morning when we were dating I would wake up to a page long “love text.” Then, he would often leave me an old school handwritten note on the table as well. I basically ended up with such a large collection I could have started a cupid exhibit:
Front view
Oh yeah, there’s more folks:
Side view.
Like, aren’t you getting a hand cramp babe?!?!
Fast forward to 2.5 years of marriage, I freaking lovelovelove this stuff and shoulda backhanded myself for my lukewarm appreciation. I mean, it’s slowed down to a “normal” amount, but I think we’ve hit our love note stride. Now, you might be thinking “foolish newlyweds– just wait 30 years and you’re lucky if he looks in your general direction.” But I have to disagree! I believe this is part of his nature and always will be, even when he is Mr. Gray…..which leads me to today’s theme (ABOUT DAMN TIME RIGHT): Mr. Grays can STILL be romantic and oooeeyygoooeeeyloveeeydoveeey.
Check it….
My cousins Ray and Diane (who are more like aunt/uncle to me) just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
I literally got tired just typing that. I mean, this many years of having the covers stolen is definitely the ultramarathon of love & dedication. Personally, I’m just pumped Abe and I have made it over 2 years and can still look in each other’s general direction — well sorta– my husband basically just stares off to the left or the right, or anywhere where I’m not looking when I talk.
Lazy-eyed half-listener.
Flower-giving excessive love note writer.
Ya win some, ya lose some.
So back to Mr. & Mrs. Gray. To celebrate this momentous occasion, their children threw them a huge celebration. But not just any celebration– this was a mini wedding reception! Why? Because they never had a real one.
The way he still looks at her……..
In 50 years of marriage, this sweet couple has been through the ringer: Ray’s deployment to Iraq, 30 years in night school, and the loss of an adult son. But the upside is their faith and devotion to each other has made them stronger in love than ever before. The love was ooooozing out of them during the celebration. And specifically, what touched and amazed me was Mr. GrayRay’s romantic expression and honoring of his wife throughout the entire reception!
He starts off strong, like Ryan Gosling in “The Notebook” strong:
THEN, after this epic proposal, he goes on to describe the 10 things he has loved and appreciated most about her over the years, starting with the serendipitous story of how they met (later illustrated by their son below):
Driving the same car, Diane drove the wrong way (or in retrospect, the RIGHT way) on a one way street heading straight for her future husband. I mean, we’re Polish. What do you expect? lol Best. mistake. ever!
In front of all their family and friends, he continued his praise by giving her all the credit for every aspect of their relationship and for essentially, being the glue in their marriage. It just made her sparkle. And beyond Ray’s heartfelt words, the way he looked into her eyes while he danced with her set the bar for any love story. The whole evening was a public display of romance and love.
While it’s adorable to see a young couple smoochin’ in a mall, it’s moving to see an older couple holding hands walking down the street. They have lived through the “for better or for worse” and have chosen every single day to stay committed to each other. That’s real love — a daily decision made over and over and over saying “I’m with you.”
With that being said, in the midst of Mr. & Mrs. Gray’s anniversary celebration, I found this oh-so-true sign:
I adore this saying because it DOES get better with age….and that includes ROMANCE! <3 <3 <3
My father gave my brother several creative nicknames as a kid. If you were a parent of a super common name like Michael in the ’80s/’90s, you likely felt this pain: They would yell out his name in the playground: “MIIICHAAEEEL!!!!!!”
26 heads would turn….none of them his.
So my dad came up with a few nicknames that to this day will whip my brother’s head around faster than you can say ContinuingCareRetirementCommunity. They are “Jake!” and “Obi-Wan!” Seems random right? Well, sorta. Jake was indeed random, but it did the job. The more appropriate nickname, however, was “Obi-Wan”— you know, as in this dude:
Obi-Wan Kenobi: “Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. The truth is often what we make of it; you heard what you wanted to hear, believed what you wanted to believe.”
Was my dad a huge Star Wars fan? Not particularly. Did my brother think he was a wise sage who by nature of simply being himself KNEW EV-ER-Y-THANG? OHHHH yeeeeeah. Was he typically wrong? Bingo! So while my younger brother Michael lacked the wisdom he thought he was blessed with at the ripe age of 10, Mr. Gray on the other hand, has got it in spades. At least, that’s my not-so-humble opinion ;o)
Lemme explain…
Seniors know things. They just KNOW. Kind of like mothers know if their kids are sick or women get an eerie feeling if their men are cheating. It makes sense though if you think about it. They have the most life experience, so they must have a deeper and wiser perspective on most topics, from romance, to health, to family life.
The issue is, many of us (myself included as I will show you), don’t often realize it or take advantage of this wisdom and acquired knowledge. Instead, we hear what they say, but we don’t listen. Lemme present a husband/wife analogy with which we are all TOO familiar.
Ladies want their husbands to listen to them like this:
“Go ahead. I am hanging on your every word honey.”
And luckily, our husbands give us that undivided attention.
Sike. You know it’s really more like this:
“Can YOU BE-LIEVE Suzie didn’t even ASK me if she could borrow my pen and just….” I wonder if I should trade Ben Roethlisberger this week for mmmmmm burger. Actually…Doublebaconcheesburger. Beer WITH my doublebaconcheesburger.
Like hubbies illustrate to their wifey’s on the regular, when Mr. Gray speaks, we “youngsters” are physically present (gold star for us!), but that’s about it.We see him. We hear him. Buuuuut let’s be honest, we don’t really care what’s being said and the message doesn’t really stick. However, we DO care about feigning interest to be polite, because anything else would be, well, rude. Unfortunately, this nodyourheadupanddown interaction is pretty useless and a disservice to both parties; We are passing by these stories, ideas, and opinions like stale toast, when they really are gems– Jennifer Aniston damn that engagement ring is huge she must need finger insurance GEMS!!!
Don’t believe me? Just watch…
“Judge, I’d like to take the stand and make my opening argument against MYSELF for the mistreatment of Mr. Gray.”
Circa 1997, my grandpa was in his mid 80’s and always had unique ideas. As a teenager, I definitely was guilty of the senior “yeahyeah okok suresure that’s nice” with him. I loved him dearly and knew he was smart, but I still had that subconscious he’s just being an old fogey reaction when he told me his wacky ideas. I’ll never forget being in the bathroom we shared (he lived with us) when he went on a mini-lecture about the harms of chemicals in regular deodorant. And then he whips out his “natural” crystal deodorant that looked like a piece of kryptonite and/or stalactite yanked from Luray Caverns.
Let us pause………………………………… ……………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………….. ………………………… ………………………………………. ………………………………………………… …………………………………….. ………………………………….
Yes, that’s right folks. THAT is basically what he was recommending I switch to from my smooth, white, lovely, normal, Dove deodorant. MR. GRAY YOU CRAYCRAY. My 16 year old self laughed and said something along the lines of “got it Grandpa, I’m sure it’s AWESOME and I’m so worried (not) about chemicals going into my armpit. Thanks but no thanks. You do you booboo.”
Well, KARMAKARMACHAMELEON. Look who (me) develops chemical friggin’ sensitivity 12 years later? Yep, now I’m a synthetic fragrance free fanatic. I even give people the squinty eye and shake my head when they wear strong cologne or lotions saying to myself “Uh, can’t you see you’re killing yourself slowly and me as well? OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!!!!”
Luckily, there is growing selection of these products today and I’m always on the lookout. Well lookey what I pass by in the grocery store last week:
The crystal and all his crystal friends.
Yup, there she is in all her glory. Not only would I use this deodorant today. I would ROCK THIS ROCK. Today, many people are aware that chemicals, including those in our deodorant, impact our endocrine system, contributing to cancer, and all these other horrible things. But back 20 years ago, we didn’t know. No one was talking about that stuff. There was no Dr. Oz. No organic aisle at Giant. Fools we were….but Mr. Gray is no fool. He knew. MY Mr. Gray knew.
He used his good ole noodle and thought to himself: “Hmmmm….chemicals….on the body…on the body means in the body…A+B=C…this is not a good combination.”
DUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
But that’s the beauty of seniors! As we are all caught up in the sheepish do what everyone else is doing rat race, they are capable of and see the value in taking a step back to evaluate; they are able to think about things through a unique lens and arrive at common sense conclusions. What my grandpa realized about his deodorant wasn’t rocket science — but it was WISE.
Shoulda listened.
Well, judge, guess I am guilty as charged. But I promise I will never again doubt Mr. Gray’s wisdom. Why? Because he’s got a crystal ball and it showed him to use crystal deodorant.
Okay, no Adam and Eve eating the apple stuff here. Sorry.
But I do wanna talk to ya’ll about the The Eden Alternative. Raise your hand if you’ve heard about this?! Didn’t think so. Not your fault doh, but it is a shame because because BECAAAUUSE, because of the wonderful things The Eden Alternative does!
First, lemme show you why Mr. Gray views today’s senior facilities (nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc.) like you view mushy peas. BLAND & GROSS! These places make Mr. Gray feel lonely, bored, and helpless. I mean, total sad face :o((((((((( Why? Because a few years in a senior facility is NOT a trip to Disney World. Personally, I envision the “Walking Dead.” This slideshow will show ya why (click on the pics to swipe right):
I mean, it’s just depressing…and not a place me, you, OR Mr. Gray wants to be.
I could go on explaining why Mr. Gray kicks and screams when someone says “it’s time to go to a nursing home”, but you guys get it. AND. Despite what you might think, it doesn’t matter if the place has crystal chandeliers and 25,000 activities OR if it’s an outdated inner city facility that smells of urine (sorry I know that was a bit TMI but it’s true). It might SEEM that Mr. Gray is better off when things are fancypants, but that’s not necessarily the case. You know that saying “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”? Well that’s what these fancy facilities are — a beautiful cover up for the misery that lies beneath. And Mr. Gray sees right through it (he’s so keen like that ;o))
So, why is it that these places (dingy or gorg) that cost a fortune make Mr. Gray feel so blue? It’s because they were created based on an institutionalized model. Translation: They look, feel, and operate like a hospital/psychiatric ward/scene from “The Shining” aka not a home. The whole thing is just SO OLD SCHOOL. But without Will Ferrel. I mean it’s not the 1930’s – time to change the model people. For example, check out this nursing home that looks like a scene out of Grey’s Anatomy:
Not only does the layout still mimic hospitals with long ward-like hallways, but the care is also based on the staff’s convenience. It’s like if you paid for a week stay at a 5 star resort and the staff were helpful, but told you when to eat, sleep, drink, move, etc. UHHH REFUND PLEASE! Here’s the gist of it:
It’s all about keeping the residents alive and from falling, but it’s not about true physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness.
Sure, Mr. Gray can attend Friday night “game nights” and a Sunday sing-a-long, but that does very little to compensate for the failings of this archaic model. These facilities just focus on keeping him alive (with a little fluff on top). But survival is not happiness. It’s not fulfillment. It’s not enough for us as young adults, middle ages adults, and it’s STILL not enough for older adults. It doesn’t matter if he can’t walk anymore or he has dementia, Mr. Gray still has the potential to live life.
And this is where the Eden Alternative saves the day!!! [Cue inspirational comeback music]. Essentially, it’s a philosophy that attacks head on that loneliness, hopelessness, and boredom that Mr. Gray feels. Everything that an old school facility does, well it does the opposite so *put that thang down flip it and reverse it!* (Sorry, I really miss Missy Elliot).
Old School Facilities MR GRAY SAYS BOOOOOOO!
Institutionalized model
Meeting basic needs is the focus
Staff-centric
Staff wear scrubs (i.e. they stick out like sore thumb & it’s all the medical feeeels)
Medical equipment & meds are out in the open
Strict and predictable schedules are followed as if the elderly were children (lunch now, bedtime now, etc.)
Limited access to other adults, children, and animals
VS.
The Eden Alternative Facilities MR. GRAY SAYS YAAAAAAAAY!
Homelike model
Elderly-centric (staff support & befriend the seniors)
Staff wear regular clothes and blend in like family
Unpredictability & variety are key
Seniors have autonomy and a voice in their daily activities and general operations (even involved in meetings!)
Growing, learning, and contributing are a focus (ex. seniors can garden and grow their own food)
Seniors don’t just receive care, they have opportunities to give it
Medications, medical equipment, etc. are hidden so as to not be the focus
Easy access to humans (including children) & animals i.e. normal interactions
Which one would YOU choose? EA ALL DAAAAAAAY SON (OR GRAMPS) I have a dream, that one day, all senior facilities will be EA APPROVED.
So there are 2 ways to adopt the EA model: 1. A facility can go through a program with organizational restructuring, etc. and receive certification in this philosophy or 2. Be built from the ground up (*started from the bottom now we’re here*). #2 is called the “Green House Project.” These Green Houses have about 6-10 residents and look just like a regular home. Check it out:
Pretty sure the Golden Girls live in this awesome rancher lol Note the garage, mailbox, and normal entryway. It’s so house-like in every way!
Now check out what goes on inside:
In conclusion, because I know this was a tad long but I mean, reading makes you smart and Mr. Gray told me to (his fault):
Mr. Gray doesn’t just survive with the Eden Alternative, he THRIVES, and isn’t that what he deserves?
Pretty sure the Golden Girls live in this awesome rancher lol Note the garage, mailbox, and normal entryway. It’s so house-like in every way!
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