My husband: “WOAH. Look at what’s over there! There’s like a huuuuge thing with….
*I turn around to catch a glimpse*
My husband: *POKE IN THE BUTT* …”Gotcha!!”
Yeah, this is my daily life. I am as gullible as a 5 year old child who thinks the stranger actually has candy in his van. Too many stories to count, but here are some highlights:
1. Most def thought Santa Claus was real until I was basically almost old enough to be Mrs. Claus (well, not that bad, but 5th grade.)
2. When I was 10, my mom scared the POOP out of me by calling our house when I was home alone (she was at the neighbors) and saying in a monster-like deep voice: “HELLO LITTLE GIIIIRL”. I ran out of the house screaming. In my defense tho, that was totally messed up mom!!!!
3. When I was in college, Dad could not convince me there was a “Chunnel” i.e. a train that travels under water from England to France. I was like: “Nice try dad. Mixing the words ‘Channel’ with ‘Tunnel’—your Tom Foolery is not gonna work this time!” Turns out, there actually IS a Chunnel (I’ve ridden it), but I didn’t believe him because I would fall for all his other made up crap! DAMNIT. Foiled again.
4. 15 minutes ago, I though this was a real bird:
5. Just now, a guy stops me in the market in which I’m writing this – the same market I always write my blog posts (picture a grocery store mixed with Starbucks) and tells me computers aren’t allowed in here….I laughed at his joke, but let’s be honest, I believed him for a second.
I can’t make this stuff up people. It’s sad, but true….
Yep, das me. I fall so hard, so often, I can’t even get up. And I’m 36 and spry! Now, fast forward 40 years and I’m Mr. Gray. You could prolly sell me the dirt in my own backyard by telling me it’s organic.
No matter how discerning he is in his youth, Mr. Gray falls HARD. Alot. And often. We know this. But why are seniors so gullible? Well, I’m no doctor but I do know (as in I googled it) there’s a part of the brain that controls doubt and belief and it basically deteriorates with age. So, there ya go, Mr. Gray is a perfect target from mean folks on the prowl.
We’ve all heard of those scams where Mr. Gray gets a call that he’s won a free vacation and all he has to do is provide his credit card information to secure the trip. And an even shadier example.. just saw on the news that the scammers would call Mr. Gray and manipulatively pretend they are a friend calling on behalf of their grandchild to bail them out of jail. WHAT THEEEEE?! I mean, heck, I’d fall for that for darn sure. This fake scenario gets Mr. Gray in a frenzy and he just wants to be of help to his loved ones—- POOF! There goes $2,000 of retirement money.
Recently, the DOJ has done something about this horrible stuff and taken action to reduce it. Check out the article please (it’s a super quick read I pinky swear! And I said “please”). Just click below.
So- the highlights for me are $36.5 BILLION DOLLARS are scammed out of Mr. Gray’s corduroy pockets each year.
…times 36.5!!!
Not to bring in politics, but to quote President Trump: “SAD!”. It is hopeful, however, that the DOJ is starting to not only crack down on prosecuting these scumbags (gotta love those 1980’s insults), but initiating the education of seniors. That’s so huge. With a few simple tips – teaching Mr. Gray to not provide information over the phone and recognize “spam” can do a whole lotta good. Each of us can also help Mr. Gray and who doesn’t wanna do that! We all have our own Mr. Grays in our lives (parents, grandparents, siblings, neighbors, aunts, friends, etc.). Taking just 15 minutes to share with them some tips could prevent a whole lotta heartache.
To summarize:
SHAME ON YOU SCAMMERS. KARMA is a youknowwhat.
*HIGH FIVE* DOJ.
and
Let’s all edumacate Mr. Gray so Dr. Evil doesn’t get him!!
I used to have art skillzzzz. I mean, I’m not gonna brag, but I painted some epic still lifes with acrylic paints in 6th grade. My specialties were fruit bowls and flowers lol. Just feast your eyes on this exact replica:
Georgia O’Keefe 1928
Shelly Zemrose 1992
Okay, so maybe I’m not the next Michelangelo, but not too shabby for an 11 year old, right? While I started off STRONG, unfortunately, I peaked in middle school and it’s been all stick figures since. BUT, there’s a silver lining (2 guesses why I love that expression). I luckily remained quite “crafty”……..in more ways than one ;o)….. *shhhh don’t tell my husband* muahaha.
For example, I’m pretty good at stuff like making jewelry, decorative wreathes, posters, etc. It may not land me an art exhibit, but hey, it ties in swimmingly with my Grandma persona! p.s. LITERALLY as I’m writing this sentence at Starbucks, the senior ladies next to me just mentioned crocheting and discussed cleaning out their “yarn stashes” to make room for the new stuff. And I’m thinking, where’s my invite ladies?! So yeah, we elderly and wannabe elderly folks love our crafts. Don’t hate.
While I enjoy crafting (cuz I mean I can take those twigs off your tree and whip you up a vase that would rock your tablescape), I might enjoy buying crafts even more. Which is exactly why I attended/dragged my husband and mother to the local “Flower & Garden Festival.” It’s the perfect place to roll around a wagon and buy a new set of ferns; it’s also the perfect place to check out random goodies my husband doesn’t want me to buy and that I probably don’t actually need. Luckily for MEEEEE, and unluckily for HIM, I came upon the Promised Land/Stand:
Too cute to caption.
Where do I start?!??!?! THE NATURAL MATERIALS. THE RUSTIC FRAMES. THE CREATIVITY. THE PROCESS. THE ARTISTRY. THE MR. GRAY BEHIND THE FRAMES. It was almost too much for me to handle. And then, Mr. Gray tells me HOW he makes these masterpieces and I was like:
I LOVE YOU MAN
Every single piece of material in his artwork is from nature. Scenes of nature, using nature. MIND BLOWN. He scrapes moss and bark off trees. He uses pieces of honeycomb, flowers, whatever he can find and uses the natural colors and textures to create these gems. People were buying these things up like hotcakes and I got right in line/cut the line! Even though our house is mostly decorated, I HAD to find some way to incorporate his genius into our home. Then it dawned on me: future baby room decorrrr, hollaaa! (Never too early to plan ahead and hey, I’m connecting the generations). Anywho, I started out with 1 and ended up with 5 :oDDD
More is more.
Now for some close ups:
Those are birds made of corn husks ya’ll
Twigs and flowers and pebbles, oh my!
I don’t even know what those cows are made of, but I do know it’s au naturale!
As I was carefully selecting these gems, Mr. Gray would tell me the source of each piece of material, sometimes with a story about it; he was so passionate about his work and it really made the art that much more priceless. It was so intriguing to me that he took things in life that are often overlooked like bark, moss, cotton, poppyseeds, etc. and turned them into something of beauty and value.
I’m feeling (“Phil-ing”) an analogy coming in the air tonight:
Don’t many of us do that with elderly folks? They are just there in the background (where I argue, our society has put them) and we under-appreciate them and often, don’t even see them. However, with some attention, they totally come to life and contribute to a more beautiful society.
Because I too fall prey to the “background” stereotype of the elderly, Mr. Gray surprises me time and time again with his abilities. This was one of those moments. Beyond the unique creativity and talent, it was also clear that the process to make these artworks requires some level of physicality- to search through the woods of West Virginia for the materials and gather them. That puts my pilates classes to shame!
So, until we meet again Mr. Gray….
For today, you’ve out-crafted me in more ways than one. ;o)
5th grade. Age 10. A young girl pencils her full name: “Shelly Zemrose” into her bedroom closet. Next up – the window sill – several times just to be safe. She’s about to leave her childhood home, FOR-EV-ER. She wants it to stay a part of her and she most certainly wants everyone to know…it was hers first.
Yeah you may think I’m embarrassed to admit I wrote my name about 20 times in the old bedroom of my first house in Alexandria, Virginia. But no, no I’m not. In fact….
I. WOULD. DO IT. AGAIN. Just doubledogdare me.
Why? Because I am super nostalgic, an old soul, and just a little bit weird. Well, a lot a bit. (stalking Mr. Gray isn’t necessarily “the norm”…………..yet. *evil smirk*)
But in my own defense here, homes mean a lot to people if you’ve lived there for a good while. I mean, memories were made there. It’s the place that keeps you grounded when things are shaky. It’s familiar. It’s comfortable. Where do you want to go after a rough day? Home. It’s also a place for laughter. It has that perfect spot for the Christmas tree where kids have opened gifts year after year. It’s where family has gathered around the dining room table every Thanksgiving- bickered and made up again. The good, the bad, and the ugly — it’s just human nature to love “home.”
Mr. Gray is no exception. At age 10 I was devastated to leave my home and go to a new place. Now put yourselves in Mr. Gray’s orthopedic shoes (hey don’t knock ’em till you try em) and you’ve lived somewhere for 10, 20, maybe 40-50 years and then —- you’re forced to MOVE. And often to a place where you don’t want to go aka a nursing hell (excuse me I meant nursing “home”) and downgraded to a shoebox-sized room with a roomate. SUNDAYFUNDAY!!!!! I mean, just look at the bright side Mr. Gray:
Seriously, this sucks for seniors, and it happens all the time for a variety of reasons: necessity i.e. the family can’t care for Mr. Gray anymore OR Mr. Gray can’t afford his home anymore OR Mr. Gray is simply in the way of progress. Here’s a little “uncool” story of the latter to show you how this type of situation goes down on the regular:
So my hubby, Abe, is a retirement planner and together we co-own the business. We specialize in seniors, so I mean, that works for me ;o) Well, recently, one of our lovely clients, age 75, emailed us and was reaching out to Abe for advice. She was concerned and I would venture to say, frightened, of getting kicked out of her apartment. Here’s a snippet:
“I have a possible dilemma regarding the apartment complex I live in. There has been a change of management company for my complex. They are handling affordable renting now and as such have a maximum income that you can have […] My income alone would not be a problem but they also want to see any assets. This would put me over the maximum […] I do not know what to expect in terms of whether I would be able to stay here even though I have been here for 26 years. On the other hand if you try to rent in the normal rent market, I do not have enough income to qualify and they will not consider savings […] So this leaves me wondering what in the world am I supposed to do. Can you help me figure out what to do.”
Uhhh, talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place – except the rock is your HOME and the hard place is OUT ON THE STREET. Dude. It’s like, does anyone give a *BLEEP* about what happens to this elderly woman? Let me provide the short answer, NOPE. It’s all about the moneymoneymoneymoney. Who cares if this woman has lived in her home forever and would have nowhere to go?!
And no, this isn’t all folks — as another despicable example, I recently read in the paper (yes I’m in my mid 30’s and enjoy a tangible newspaper LOL) about a Washington D.C. apartment complex where many seniors had been living for years and was being turned into college housing. Off with the old on with the new! And BONNNUUUS, handicapped accessible doors are perfect for moving in those beer pong tables!!
NO. NO. and NO.
Cuzzzzz…ya DO building owner people.
Shoot, if people nowadays are forced to change cell phone providers, it’s WWIII, but I guess displacing Mr. Gray is totes acceptable as long as more money is to be made and forward progress. Well what about the fact that HE set the stage for us, created the infrastructure, fought in the wars to protect our buildings. Without Mr. Gray, we very literally, wouldn’t exist, but ya know, he’s past his prime now — old, slow, and wrinkly–so BUHbye.
Mr. Gray deserves his home, or at the very least, the CHOICE to stay in his home. When he can no longer stay in his home due to needing more care, and it’s time for an assisted living or skilled nursing facility, that’s one thing (and for another blog post!), but there are so many cases where Mr. Gray is able and willing to stay.
Most of us couldn’t even handle being booted off of Facebook, so I think it’s only reasonable to stop booting Mr. Gray out of his house. LET MY PEOPLE STAY!!!
When called an idiot, better to be quiet than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
Hahaha I love these! I mean. These MAY embody Confucius’ best advice of all time (second to saying people should respect their elders, of course).
I don’t know about you, but when I think of Confucius I always think of: long white beard; old; wise; Chinese. Essentially, Mr. Gray with an Asian flair….i.e. this image:
When I look at this photo I definitely think, yeah that dude knows some sh#*!). (My apologies, that was very PG-13 of me). But seriously, if he tells me “Hello Shelly – ’tis better to take the straight and narrow path” then slap my ruby slippers on me because I’m skipping down that road fo sho.
Now, I’d venture to say that if the image we have of Confucius was instead, of a young strapping 20 something:
I’m like, wise and stuff.
….I don’t think society would have turned him into a “thing”, i.e. Confucius memes. But what’s the obvious differentiating factor here that would impact this? A to the G to the E. AGE!
Ya mon: you need the GRAY to back the SAY.
We have long connected wisdom to seniors and in some countries, they are highly valued because of it. For example, in most Asian countries (go Asia go Asia) Mr. Gray is treated like GOLD — kept, collected, protected, cherished. In the U.S. (you’re totes slackin’ here red, white, and blue), Mr. Gray is treated more like a rusty iron, used, brittle, ready to break and be replaced. If you ask me, the U.S. is crazytown, because seniors can drop knowledge like Beyonce dropped “Lemonade.” They know so much!!!
This may not be as sophisticated as Confucius, but the OG Mr. Gray (i.e. my grandpa) knew how to fix every health ailment with one magical drink.
Prunce juice.
Hey don’t knock it ’till you try it. Seriously though, every time I had a stomach ache, constipation (oh, don’t be bashful), etc., he would tell me to drink prune juice and was like Mr. Gray in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was with windex: PRUNE JUICE FIXES EVERYTHIIIIING! Now, being the old woman I am and always was, I actually liked prune juice at age 10, BUT, I wasn’t necessarily thrilled to drink it every time he recommended it. However, most times, it did the trick and all was well again in the world.
We all have things like that from our grandparents, older folks around us, right? I bet if you thought about it right now you could think of one you’ve heard of that’s worked for you. READY GO! For example, activated charcoal is a trendy (and effective) thing now to take if you think you ate something with a bad bacteria because it binds to it and out it goes! News to me, but senior citizens already knew that.
You just googled activated charcoal, didn’t you?
Well, anywho, I mentioned that to my dad recently after he had food poisoning and he was like “uh DUUUUH Shelly, my mother used to burn potato skins to make a charcoal slurry and give to it to Bernie (my uncle) when he was sick back in the day” (My dad doesn’t talk like that, for the record ;o)). But clearly he knew what was up. And to make me feel even more like an idiot, I thought, “Did my dad just say ‘slurry’ when he meant to say ‘slurpee.’ What the heck is a slurry?!?! Oh man I was old-schooled that day.
But the wisdom Mr. Gray has goes far beyond little tidbits. It’s deep and vast like the ocean— love, relationships, finances, spirituality, even happiness. Luckily for us, Mr. Gray loves to share his knowledge! And thank goodness because us young folks need it like we need to breathe air whether we’ve realized it yet or not.
Recently, Mr. Gray sent me his “5 Pillars of Life” that he believes are the key to living a happy, fun-filled life. Literally, this 66 year old I don’t really know took likely hours out of his day to create a document (a GOOGLE DOC – see my “Tech Savvy” entry) to share this life experience with me….to share with all of you! I was honored, flattered, and mostly thankful, because who doesn’t want the key to happiness?!
Sprinkle it ON USSS!
Drumroll please………..Mr. Gray’s 5 Pillars of Life AAARREEE:
Mind – Lifetime of learning
Body – Healthy weight, regular check-ups
Spirit – Explore something greater than yourself
Finances – Live well within your means (or below)
Relationships – Build and maintain a solid network (from spouse to neighbors)
These are listed in order of importance (hey Mind, you my #1 boo). Mr. Gray say: “Man who masters all 5, lives 1 happy life.” Read that in a Confucius voice – totally works.
Got it? Good. Then, Mr. Gray hit me with a BOOOOONUS 6th pillar that happens naturally when all 5 are mastered, but sometimes needs to be planned: FUN. He pointed out that this is not an easy task and is a life-long pursuit, but it is achievable. To demonstrate this, Mr. Gray shared how he personally works on each area:
The way I play this out in my personal life is my wife and I start each day with a three-mile, brisk walk every morning (Body). We discuss our family and our plans, and we strategize for what needs to be done. We spend some of that walking time praying together for our children, extended family, friends, community, and for their intentions (Spirit). We attend church with our family regularly and try to live a life consistent with our religious beliefs (Spirit). We live well within our means, have invested wisely, and have done so throughout our lives. I spend time strategizing best investments and profit from stock market fluctuation (Finances). I read non-fiction books, magazines, and online media on a variety of topics. I attend technical conferences to keep up with what’s going on in the world and how I might benefit myself and my community from what I learn (Mind). I maintain a great relationship with my wife, children, and siblings. I serve on the boards of directors in community organizations, and am a leader in my church. I meet my daughters and my friends for lunch several times each month, and renew friendship with people I haven’t seen in many years (Relationships). I make sure my family takes vacations every summer, on luxury cruises or other vacations to the beach, mountains, historical sites, etc. I take a weekend getaway with my wife to celebrate our wedding anniversary each year (Fun).
Savage, Mr. Gray, Savage. There certainly is a simple brilliance in this advice. It’s almost so common sense that it’s not something we often think about, especially when we’re younger in life. But Mr. Gray shared this dose of wisdom to help younger (and older folks) take note, and hopefully, take action.
Personally, the biggest takeaway I had from this was BALANCE. When all key areas of life are addressed and given attention, there is balance. What a wise sage Mr. Gray is…not beyond his years…but because of his years.
Snow White aka porcelain skin with ruby red lips NOT Snow White the pruney broad with white wirey hair.
Or so I thought….
Yes folks, this is a very accurate depiction of me (with more tears) on the momentous day of September 25, 2007. A day which will go down in infamy. The day when I discovered my first gray hair. Age 26. RIP brunette bombshell.
(p.s. That made-up date was totally pinpointed for dramatic effect)
Oh, that fateful day. That day when I thought: “This is it, Shelly. The beginning of the end. My youthful flame, beauty, vibrance – it’s all shattered. I must accept the inevitable downfall.”
I also thought: “Thanks ALOT for the premature graying genes, dad.” See below:
“White hair don’t care.” Speak for yourself daddio. Seriously though, the man was fully gray by age 30. Lucky for him he actually rocked it, and still does.
You might be thinking, “why would gray hairs bring her to tears if she loves seniors and all that is old?” Well, in that moment, I was a total hypocrite. Today, I see seniors with their gray hair and think “amazing; wisdom; experience”, but when it came to myself, I couldn’t handle the first sign that I was truly aging. I thought this meant my beauty was starting to fade *WAH*. Fast forward 10 years, I only have a few more rebellious gray hairs (thank you organic lifestyle) and I have realized so much about myself and Mr. Gray. Although things change in color and texture, aging can have it’s own type of beauty. And yes I do mean “on the outside.”
For a moment, I’m going to focus on my ladies here since men have this magical way of looking better and better as they age *EYE ROLL*. I see you Sean Connery.
While searching for “seniorspiration” (yep, made that word up) at a local shopping market, I looked up and saw this adonis before me.
Move over Golden Girls, this lady is the real deal. I mean, I literally had a mouth drop situation (my apologies for not getting a better pic, but clearly, she was onto my stalking). Her perfectly twisted hair (p.s. you should see the back with her fancy hair clips!), her posh yet weather appropriate outfit, her just right make-up. I was in awe. Besides that, she had such a grace about her which completed the package. Royalty. Senior Royalty she was.
THEN, yesterday, I arrive at a resort with my hubby and I nearly drop my tea & coffee cake when I spot this Mr. Gray all gussied up in black & gold (as a Steelers fan this was serious bonus points):
P Diddy can’t pull off that much bling.
Pretty sure I put the I LOVE SENIORS vibes out so HARD that it was like the power of attraction and she finally came up next to me (or it could have been that I was next to the food- but that’s neither here nor there). I thought: “This is your chance.” Like a lion spotting a gazelle that separated from the pack, I pounced: “HI! I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT!” Augh, Mr. Gray (also known as Jane) was a gem and her eyes lit up and there was no shame in her game. She was happy to take a photo with me and full of zest. Her granddaughter was also with her and told me that Jane is the talk of the town and always dresses like this. As in, every single day. Small world, turns out she lives, literally, 1 block from me. I felt robbed of all the outfits I could have seen.
Beyond showing that Mr. Gray can be a breathtaking species worthy of a Gawk’nStalk (wow I’m making up lots of fun terms today!), I want to note that it clearly took these ladies effort to look so put together– and maybe this effort was well spent!
I mean, Mr. Gray didn’t roll out of bed in these cases and head out for the day. No no. There was time and energy invested: outfit selection, hair twisting, accessorizing, make-up application. Heck, I mean Mr. Gray #1 should get bonus points ALONE for putting on stockings. You know what I mean ladies: stockings add at least 5 precious minutes into a dressing routine — the stretching them out, rolling them down, clipping your hang nail so it doesn’t snag them, pulling them up like at a slug’s pace, and then you inevitably have to pee. It’s an ordeal for anyone of any age. Mr. Gray #2- I mean dammmmnnn. She accessorized like Lady Gaga at the Grammy’s…or should I say “Grammies.” ;o)
Now the question, is, WHY would a senior spend so much time foofing? Isn’t it this Mr. Gray’s “golden years,” where he/she’s finally earned the right to roll out in those ripped up jeans, eat sweets for breakfast, and tell it like it is?! So why dress up?
Well, one might be inclined to think, wow *she’s so vaaaain, bet she thinks this blog is about herrrr*. Is it vain to put effort into looking your best? I think not! This reminds me of that TLC TVshow a from a few years ago: “What Not to Wear.”
What were you THINKING wearing and old tshirt, sequence sweatpants and crocs with rainbow-dyed hair?!?
Oh, the magical designer duo, Stacy & Clinton! They were always doing unbelievable makeovers. And they did seem at times a bit “judgey”, BUT if you noticed the huge smiles and the end of the makeovers, you knew they were onto something! They would always say that when you look your best, you feel your best — that it can affect the way you relate to the world and yourself. Essentially, that presenting yourself well on the outside can make you feel good on the inside. And you would definitely feel this truth from the formerly fashion faux-pas folks on the show (p.s. I dub myself the queen of alliteration.)
Why can’t this look good/feel good formula apply to seniors? Well, it can and it does. Perhaps it makes Mr. Gray feel a little better about his arthritis if he puts his favorite cap on to get coffee or her gold bow belt going to dinner?
My personal proof of this formula: Even when she was ill in the hospital, my nanny (aka wife of the original Mr. Gray/my Grandpa/blog inspiration in my “About Me”) loved to have her hair brushed and nails done. A few days before she died in 1997, I painted her nails pink with purple and yellow flowers. I was 15 and that’s all I knew I could do to help her. She died with that nail polish I painted on her fingers. I couldn’t make her well and I know a nice manicure is such a small thing, but I like to believe it helped. Actually, I know it did because it made her feel a bit more put together. She was beautiful and those things made her feel beautiful.
So, back to Stacy & Clinton who would always say, no matter where you go, if you are in public, be put together. Well, my nanny ROCKED that hospital bed, Queen Gray ROCKED that grocery store aisle, and Jane ROCKED that lobby.
Someone should tell that fairytale mirror that youthful beauty is so last year.
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