Snow White aka porcelain skin with ruby red lips NOT Snow White the pruney broad with white wirey hair.
Or so I thought….
Yes folks, this is a very accurate depiction of me (with more tears) on the momentous day of September 25, 2007. A day which will go down in infamy. The day when I discovered my first gray hair. Age 26. RIP brunette bombshell.
(p.s. That made-up date was totally pinpointed for dramatic effect)
Oh, that fateful day. That day when I thought: “This is it, Shelly. The beginning of the end. My youthful flame, beauty, vibrance – it’s all shattered. I must accept the inevitable downfall.”
I also thought: “Thanks ALOT for the premature graying genes, dad.” See below:
“White hair don’t care.” Speak for yourself daddio. Seriously though, the man was fully gray by age 30. Lucky for him he actually rocked it, and still does.
You might be thinking, “why would gray hairs bring her to tears if she loves seniors and all that is old?” Well, in that moment, I was a total hypocrite. Today, I see seniors with their gray hair and think “amazing; wisdom; experience”, but when it came to myself, I couldn’t handle the first sign that I was truly aging. I thought this meant my beauty was starting to fade *WAH*. Fast forward 10 years, I only have a few more rebellious gray hairs (thank you organic lifestyle) and I have realized so much about myself and Mr. Gray. Although things change in color and texture, aging can have it’s own type of beauty. And yes I do mean “on the outside.”
For a moment, I’m going to focus on my ladies here since men have this magical way of looking better and better as they age *EYE ROLL*. I see you Sean Connery.
While searching for “seniorspiration” (yep, made that word up) at a local shopping market, I looked up and saw this adonis before me.
Move over Golden Girls, this lady is the real deal. I mean, I literally had a mouth drop situation (my apologies for not getting a better pic, but clearly, she was onto my stalking). Her perfectly twisted hair (p.s. you should see the back with her fancy hair clips!), her posh yet weather appropriate outfit, her just right make-up. I was in awe. Besides that, she had such a grace about her which completed the package. Royalty. Senior Royalty she was.
THEN, yesterday, I arrive at a resort with my hubby and I nearly drop my tea & coffee cake when I spot this Mr. Gray all gussied up in black & gold (as a Steelers fan this was serious bonus points):
P Diddy can’t pull off that much bling.
Pretty sure I put the I LOVE SENIORS vibes out so HARD that it was like the power of attraction and she finally came up next to me (or it could have been that I was next to the food- but that’s neither here nor there). I thought: “This is your chance.” Like a lion spotting a gazelle that separated from the pack, I pounced: “HI! I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT!” Augh, Mr. Gray (also known as Jane) was a gem and her eyes lit up and there was no shame in her game. She was happy to take a photo with me and full of zest. Her granddaughter was also with her and told me that Jane is the talk of the town and always dresses like this. As in, every single day. Small world, turns out she lives, literally, 1 block from me. I felt robbed of all the outfits I could have seen.
Beyond showing that Mr. Gray can be a breathtaking species worthy of a Gawk’nStalk (wow I’m making up lots of fun terms today!), I want to note that it clearly took these ladies effort to look so put together– and maybe this effort was well spent!
I mean, Mr. Gray didn’t roll out of bed in these cases and head out for the day. No no. There was time and energy invested: outfit selection, hair twisting, accessorizing, make-up application. Heck, I mean Mr. Gray #1 should get bonus points ALONE for putting on stockings. You know what I mean ladies: stockings add at least 5 precious minutes into a dressing routine — the stretching them out, rolling them down, clipping your hang nail so it doesn’t snag them, pulling them up like at a slug’s pace, and then you inevitably have to pee. It’s an ordeal for anyone of any age. Mr. Gray #2- I mean dammmmnnn. She accessorized like Lady Gaga at the Grammy’s…or should I say “Grammies.” ;o)
Now the question, is, WHY would a senior spend so much time foofing? Isn’t it this Mr. Gray’s “golden years,” where he/she’s finally earned the right to roll out in those ripped up jeans, eat sweets for breakfast, and tell it like it is?! So why dress up?
Well, one might be inclined to think, wow *she’s so vaaaain, bet she thinks this blog is about herrrr*. Is it vain to put effort into looking your best? I think not! This reminds me of that TLC TVshow a from a few years ago: “What Not to Wear.”
What were you THINKING wearing and old tshirt, sequence sweatpants and crocs with rainbow-dyed hair?!?
Oh, the magical designer duo, Stacy & Clinton! They were always doing unbelievable makeovers. And they did seem at times a bit “judgey”, BUT if you noticed the huge smiles and the end of the makeovers, you knew they were onto something! They would always say that when you look your best, you feel your best — that it can affect the way you relate to the world and yourself. Essentially, that presenting yourself well on the outside can make you feel good on the inside. And you would definitely feel this truth from the formerly fashion faux-pas folks on the show (p.s. I dub myself the queen of alliteration.)
Why can’t this look good/feel good formula apply to seniors? Well, it can and it does. Perhaps it makes Mr. Gray feel a little better about his arthritis if he puts his favorite cap on to get coffee or her gold bow belt going to dinner?
My personal proof of this formula: Even when she was ill in the hospital, my nanny (aka wife of the original Mr. Gray/my Grandpa/blog inspiration in my “About Me”) loved to have her hair brushed and nails done. A few days before she died in 1997, I painted her nails pink with purple and yellow flowers. I was 15 and that’s all I knew I could do to help her. She died with that nail polish I painted on her fingers. I couldn’t make her well and I know a nice manicure is such a small thing, but I like to believe it helped. Actually, I know it did because it made her feel a bit more put together. She was beautiful and those things made her feel beautiful.
So, back to Stacy & Clinton who would always say, no matter where you go, if you are in public, be put together. Well, my nanny ROCKED that hospital bed, Queen Gray ROCKED that grocery store aisle, and Jane ROCKED that lobby.
Someone should tell that fairytale mirror that youthful beauty is so last year.
As far as vaca goes, my husband Abe and I are total opposites. He loves to sit in his beach chair for hours and do nothing; all he needs are his headphones and a good book. Actually, he just needs his headphones. Actually, just air.
IIIIIIIII, on the other hand, am refreshingly more complex *hair flip* and require far more to keep me entertained. Therefore, this is how our communication goes at the beach — I mouth something to him pretending he can hear what I’m saying through his headphones, until he begrudgingly yanks out just one earpiece, and I hit him with:
To which he always responds: “I’m relaxing.” (No duh, buddy, you’re pruning).
So I step it up. *Eye batting* *Puppy-dog face* Please Please Pleeeeease do something with me baby honey sugarplum boobobooboobear!
“Not right now. I’m relaxing.”
Auggggh you are WORTHLESS TO ME HUSBAND! I married you to have a playmate! I am done with you! (Ok, not really, but that’s how I feel for 5 seconds).
I then pathetically resign myself to wandering the shore looking for a crab to talk to. But I mean, who wants to sit in a chair and just roast like a chicken?? I can scan a magazine for 30 minutes MAX but then I wanna liiiiive as in swim, play bocce ball, boogie board, build a sand castle, look for shells, build Noah’s Ark in the sand, whatever— ANYTHING but doing nothing.
Look, I can’t help it really. I’m an active vacationer. I’m an active person. I love yoga, pilates, hiking, biking, volleyball, and most recently off-roading (bonus: Abe hates getting wet and it just so happens I love driving through puddles. Paybacks baby ;o))
Now, I don’t want all those zippy activities to give you the wrong idea here— good ‘ole board games are life. My happy place. My zen. But alas, I run into the same sticky issue with my beach bum hubby – he happens to also hate board games and so I never. have. anyone. to. play. with!!!!!
Despite my frustration, I’m not trying to change my husband to enjoy these things. That would be preposterous!
I simply want to agehim. NBD right? ;oD
….because ya know darn well Mr. Gray would take me up on that game of scrabble! HE wouldn’t leave me hanging because he loves his board games and crossword puzzles and other highly underrated sophisticated activities. Exhibit A:
That hands-behind-the-back-pose is everything.
I caught these folks in puzzle action at a resort this past weekend. (Luckily, I’ve honed my senior stalking skills to where I seem to be casually taking shots of the room. As if I’d be looking at anything else hahahahaha. *Cuz you know it’s all about that Gray, bout that Gray*) But seriously, I did leave my fancy birthday dinner to capture these snazzy seniors. Priorities.
So, we all know Mr. Gray fancies puzzles and board games and all that jazz….and that’s good stuff because those things are awesome and keep him tres sharp. BUT, why is it almost unnatural for us to picture him doing other activities– you know, as in the ACTIVE ACTIVITES?!
Well, the stereotype that exists is that Mr. Gray lacks the physical ability and/or is just not interested in being active. Unfortunately, this fixed way of thinking not only stifles our view of seniors, but I argue it also limits the access they have to doing these sorts of activities (i.e. “let’s not offer that it’s too hard for them” or “they will have a heart attack”, etc. etc.). This limits seniors and frankly, it’s demeaning. Nobody likes to be put in a box, so let’s not do that with Mr. Gray either, mmk?
There are SO many examples out there of seniors not only doing what younger adults can do, but doing MORE than what the average adult can do.
Here’s just one example. Prepare to be amazed:
As she talks about in this 2010 video, Barb Macklow finished her 1st 100 mile race at age 74. And then, in 2017, she completed her 2nd 100 mile race at age 82.
Barb with her 100 mile buckle.
Let’s take that in for moment.
ONE HUNDRED FRIGGIN MILES. I just, I just can’t even fathom this– from anyone at any age. My hubby just ran his 1st marathon (26.2 miles) in October at age 38 and I was in awe of him and the rest of the runners crossing the finish line. Super impressive stuff. Theeeen, you have this ultramarathoner who is 82 years old and ran 4x that length!!!! She ran for 2 days people. 2 DAYYYYS. I can’t even run for 20 minutes. The physical stamina. The mental fortitude. Get this woman a bigger buckle!
Now, back to my earlier point that we stereotype elderly folks as inactive…….
If you noticed in the video, Barb mentioned “the general population thinks you’re not quite right.” She’s spot on but what is that crap?? Why do we assume that Mr. Gray can’t DO challenging activities and is nuts if he/she does? While it’s true that some senior folks can’t, some CAN. And isn’t that the same with all people, of all ages? Some can do certain things, some can’t. So let’s rewire our thinking here, shall we?
Mr. Gray can run. He can jump. He can skip. He can do it all. He’s Mr. Gray.
My father gave my brother several creative nicknames as a kid. If you were a parent of a super common name like Michael in the ’80s/’90s, you likely felt this pain: They would yell out his name in the playground: “MIIICHAAEEEL!!!!!!”
26 heads would turn….none of them his.
So my dad came up with a few nicknames that to this day will whip my brother’s head around faster than you can say ContinuingCareRetirementCommunity. They are “Jake!” and “Obi-Wan!” Seems random right? Well, sorta. Jake was indeed random, but it did the job. The more appropriate nickname, however, was “Obi-Wan”— you know, as in this dude:
Obi-Wan Kenobi: “Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. The truth is often what we make of it; you heard what you wanted to hear, believed what you wanted to believe.”
Was my dad a huge Star Wars fan? Not particularly. Did my brother think he was a wise sage who by nature of simply being himself KNEW EV-ER-Y-THANG? OHHHH yeeeeeah. Was he typically wrong? Bingo! So while my younger brother Michael lacked the wisdom he thought he was blessed with at the ripe age of 10, Mr. Gray on the other hand, has got it in spades. At least, that’s my not-so-humble opinion ;o)
Lemme explain…
Seniors know things. They just KNOW. Kind of like mothers know if their kids are sick or women get an eerie feeling if their men are cheating. It makes sense though if you think about it. They have the most life experience, so they must have a deeper and wiser perspective on most topics, from romance, to health, to family life.
The issue is, many of us (myself included as I will show you), don’t often realize it or take advantage of this wisdom and acquired knowledge. Instead, we hear what they say, but we don’t listen. Lemme present a husband/wife analogy with which we are all TOO familiar.
Ladies want their husbands to listen to them like this:
“Go ahead. I am hanging on your every word honey.”
And luckily, our husbands give us that undivided attention.
Sike. You know it’s really more like this:
“Can YOU BE-LIEVE Suzie didn’t even ASK me if she could borrow my pen and just….” I wonder if I should trade Ben Roethlisberger this week for mmmmmm burger. Actually…Doublebaconcheesburger. Beer WITH my doublebaconcheesburger.
Like hubbies illustrate to their wifey’s on the regular, when Mr. Gray speaks, we “youngsters” are physically present (gold star for us!), but that’s about it.We see him. We hear him. Buuuuut let’s be honest, we don’t really care what’s being said and the message doesn’t really stick. However, we DO care about feigning interest to be polite, because anything else would be, well, rude. Unfortunately, this nodyourheadupanddown interaction is pretty useless and a disservice to both parties; We are passing by these stories, ideas, and opinions like stale toast, when they really are gems– Jennifer Aniston damn that engagement ring is huge she must need finger insurance GEMS!!!
Don’t believe me? Just watch…
“Judge, I’d like to take the stand and make my opening argument against MYSELF for the mistreatment of Mr. Gray.”
Circa 1997, my grandpa was in his mid 80’s and always had unique ideas. As a teenager, I definitely was guilty of the senior “yeahyeah okok suresure that’s nice” with him. I loved him dearly and knew he was smart, but I still had that subconscious he’s just being an old fogey reaction when he told me his wacky ideas. I’ll never forget being in the bathroom we shared (he lived with us) when he went on a mini-lecture about the harms of chemicals in regular deodorant. And then he whips out his “natural” crystal deodorant that looked like a piece of kryptonite and/or stalactite yanked from Luray Caverns.
Let us pause………………………………… ……………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………….. ………………………… ………………………………………. ………………………………………………… …………………………………….. ………………………………….
Yes, that’s right folks. THAT is basically what he was recommending I switch to from my smooth, white, lovely, normal, Dove deodorant. MR. GRAY YOU CRAYCRAY. My 16 year old self laughed and said something along the lines of “got it Grandpa, I’m sure it’s AWESOME and I’m so worried (not) about chemicals going into my armpit. Thanks but no thanks. You do you booboo.”
Well, KARMAKARMACHAMELEON. Look who (me) develops chemical friggin’ sensitivity 12 years later? Yep, now I’m a synthetic fragrance free fanatic. I even give people the squinty eye and shake my head when they wear strong cologne or lotions saying to myself “Uh, can’t you see you’re killing yourself slowly and me as well? OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!!!!”
Luckily, there is growing selection of these products today and I’m always on the lookout. Well lookey what I pass by in the grocery store last week:
The crystal and all his crystal friends.
Yup, there she is in all her glory. Not only would I use this deodorant today. I would ROCK THIS ROCK. Today, many people are aware that chemicals, including those in our deodorant, impact our endocrine system, contributing to cancer, and all these other horrible things. But back 20 years ago, we didn’t know. No one was talking about that stuff. There was no Dr. Oz. No organic aisle at Giant. Fools we were….but Mr. Gray is no fool. He knew. MY Mr. Gray knew.
He used his good ole noodle and thought to himself: “Hmmmm….chemicals….on the body…on the body means in the body…A+B=C…this is not a good combination.”
DUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
But that’s the beauty of seniors! As we are all caught up in the sheepish do what everyone else is doing rat race, they are capable of and see the value in taking a step back to evaluate; they are able to think about things through a unique lens and arrive at common sense conclusions. What my grandpa realized about his deodorant wasn’t rocket science — but it was WISE.
Shoulda listened.
Well, judge, guess I am guilty as charged. But I promise I will never again doubt Mr. Gray’s wisdom. Why? Because he’s got a crystal ball and it showed him to use crystal deodorant.
Okay, no Adam and Eve eating the apple stuff here. Sorry.
But I do wanna talk to ya’ll about the The Eden Alternative. Raise your hand if you’ve heard about this?! Didn’t think so. Not your fault doh, but it is a shame because because BECAAAUUSE, because of the wonderful things The Eden Alternative does!
First, lemme show you why Mr. Gray views today’s senior facilities (nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc.) like you view mushy peas. BLAND & GROSS! These places make Mr. Gray feel lonely, bored, and helpless. I mean, total sad face :o((((((((( Why? Because a few years in a senior facility is NOT a trip to Disney World. Personally, I envision the “Walking Dead.” This slideshow will show ya why (click on the pics to swipe right):
I mean, it’s just depressing…and not a place me, you, OR Mr. Gray wants to be.
I could go on explaining why Mr. Gray kicks and screams when someone says “it’s time to go to a nursing home”, but you guys get it. AND. Despite what you might think, it doesn’t matter if the place has crystal chandeliers and 25,000 activities OR if it’s an outdated inner city facility that smells of urine (sorry I know that was a bit TMI but it’s true). It might SEEM that Mr. Gray is better off when things are fancypants, but that’s not necessarily the case. You know that saying “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”? Well that’s what these fancy facilities are — a beautiful cover up for the misery that lies beneath. And Mr. Gray sees right through it (he’s so keen like that ;o))
So, why is it that these places (dingy or gorg) that cost a fortune make Mr. Gray feel so blue? It’s because they were created based on an institutionalized model. Translation: They look, feel, and operate like a hospital/psychiatric ward/scene from “The Shining” aka not a home. The whole thing is just SO OLD SCHOOL. But without Will Ferrel. I mean it’s not the 1930’s – time to change the model people. For example, check out this nursing home that looks like a scene out of Grey’s Anatomy:
Not only does the layout still mimic hospitals with long ward-like hallways, but the care is also based on the staff’s convenience. It’s like if you paid for a week stay at a 5 star resort and the staff were helpful, but told you when to eat, sleep, drink, move, etc. UHHH REFUND PLEASE! Here’s the gist of it:
It’s all about keeping the residents alive and from falling, but it’s not about true physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness.
Sure, Mr. Gray can attend Friday night “game nights” and a Sunday sing-a-long, but that does very little to compensate for the failings of this archaic model. These facilities just focus on keeping him alive (with a little fluff on top). But survival is not happiness. It’s not fulfillment. It’s not enough for us as young adults, middle ages adults, and it’s STILL not enough for older adults. It doesn’t matter if he can’t walk anymore or he has dementia, Mr. Gray still has the potential to live life.
And this is where the Eden Alternative saves the day!!! [Cue inspirational comeback music]. Essentially, it’s a philosophy that attacks head on that loneliness, hopelessness, and boredom that Mr. Gray feels. Everything that an old school facility does, well it does the opposite so *put that thang down flip it and reverse it!* (Sorry, I really miss Missy Elliot).
Old School Facilities MR GRAY SAYS BOOOOOOO!
Institutionalized model
Meeting basic needs is the focus
Staff-centric
Staff wear scrubs (i.e. they stick out like sore thumb & it’s all the medical feeeels)
Medical equipment & meds are out in the open
Strict and predictable schedules are followed as if the elderly were children (lunch now, bedtime now, etc.)
Limited access to other adults, children, and animals
VS.
The Eden Alternative Facilities MR. GRAY SAYS YAAAAAAAAY!
Homelike model
Elderly-centric (staff support & befriend the seniors)
Staff wear regular clothes and blend in like family
Unpredictability & variety are key
Seniors have autonomy and a voice in their daily activities and general operations (even involved in meetings!)
Growing, learning, and contributing are a focus (ex. seniors can garden and grow their own food)
Seniors don’t just receive care, they have opportunities to give it
Medications, medical equipment, etc. are hidden so as to not be the focus
Easy access to humans (including children) & animals i.e. normal interactions
Which one would YOU choose? EA ALL DAAAAAAAY SON (OR GRAMPS) I have a dream, that one day, all senior facilities will be EA APPROVED.
So there are 2 ways to adopt the EA model: 1. A facility can go through a program with organizational restructuring, etc. and receive certification in this philosophy or 2. Be built from the ground up (*started from the bottom now we’re here*). #2 is called the “Green House Project.” These Green Houses have about 6-10 residents and look just like a regular home. Check it out:
Pretty sure the Golden Girls live in this awesome rancher lol Note the garage, mailbox, and normal entryway. It’s so house-like in every way!
Now check out what goes on inside:
In conclusion, because I know this was a tad long but I mean, reading makes you smart and Mr. Gray told me to (his fault):
Mr. Gray doesn’t just survive with the Eden Alternative, he THRIVES, and isn’t that what he deserves?
This is pretty much how I’ve looked up to older people my whole life – a bit of awe and wonder.
You know how you hear stories about people who hit the lottery twice? Well, that happened to me, in the same day, with one minor difference. Instead of winning $350 Mill and retiring at age 35, I had TWO SIMULTANEOUS encounters with Mr. Gray. Ok, and I had to shell out a few bucks for labels. SameSame. Anywho, it was like the stars collided to give me a double dose of darling seniors.
This may surprise noone, but mailing packages is not typically one of my favorite things to do, ’til now. The other day I headed to UPS, my new favorite hangout, to mail some returns (I’d say Amazon Prime is 2nd in line to my addiction to the elderly). As soon as I got there, I noticed it wasn’t the same sweet middle-aged “What can I do for you sweetheart” lady I always see behind the counter. No no. It was Mr. Gray. And while I love that lady because who doesn’t like being called sweetheart at the end of every sentence, but BYE FELICIA.
Well, voted off the island for this shift anyway. Frankly, not only was I elated about this new employee, but I was surprised and thought to myself:
“He’s like 90 years old. Shouldn’t he be doing a crossword puzzle or watching “The Wheel” right now?!
FYI: That’s senior speak for “Wheel of Fortune” (thanks Grandpa). Shame on me for putting Mr. Gray in a box!! In all seriousness though, it is a common problem in today’s society to stereotype the elderly as unable, both physically and mentally, to do a variety of things. Due to this, not only are we used to seeing them in certain roles in limited environments, but we don’t offer the same opportunities to them. Ageism is real and while there are laws to prevent discrimination based on age in the workplace, it’s still a reality. If you’re unsure of that, ask a 50+ person if they put their college graduation year on their resume. It’s rare to be hired as a senior, and the older one gets, the harder it is and more unusual it is to see. I think that reality is such a shame and disservice because seniors are capable of doing so much more than playing bingo, including contributing in the workplace. That day, Mr. Gray really put my thought to shame as he clearly loved his job AND was so fast on the computer. Not to mention, he was easy on the eyes as always 😉 [Is that weird that I said that? Yeah, who am I kidding. Oh well.]
*JUMPS OFF SOAPBOX*
But wait, there’s more! Whilst capable and confident Mr. Gray was kicking butt one scan/label at a time, Mr. Gray #2 started to roll up, literally, in his wheelchair. *Cue praise songs* I mean, what did I do to deserve this, in one day, in one store. Apparently, American Legions are soooo last year, because UPS is the place to BE! In the midst of all this internal excitement, I darted to the door to help him open it. (I always look for an “in”) After a little chitchat, which is honestly, sometimes a bit forced on my end, I went to leave and said: “Have a nice day!”
Normal responses one expects to hear:
“You too.”
“Thanks!”
*Crickets*
But no, not Mr. Gray, he always exceeds my expectations; he rocked my brown box world and hit me with a: “It already has been…you helped me.”………SWOOOOOON. WHAT?! MARRY ME. NO THAT’S WEIRD AND WOULD NEVER WORK SINCE I’M HAPPILY MARRIED. JUST HANG OUT WITH ME FOR LIFE. Luckily none of those thoughts actually came out of my mouth. I was just kind of in awe of him. Way to keep me on my toes Mr. Gray. I’ve never heard such an optimistic and delightful response to a a boring phrase people just say on autopilot. And now you get my point. Mr. Gray is extraordinary; he expressed good old fashioned gratefulness for a tiny gesture most of us would take for granted.
So I left UPS with 2 gems. No, I did not take Mr. Gray 1 & 2 with me. But, I did leave with 2 lessons learned: 1. Some seniors love to work and can do a damn good job. 2. Find even the smallest opportunities to be grateful.
Pretty sure the Golden Girls live in this awesome rancher lol Note the garage, mailbox, and normal entryway. It’s so house-like in every way!
This is pretty much how I’ve looked up to older people my whole life – a bit of awe and wonder.
*JUMPS OFF SOAPBOX*
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